Image by Simon

I started a conversation on FB and it got me thinking, especially after reading this article on relationships.

Here are a few lessons I’ve learned over the years from being in relationships and being single.

1. Being miserable with someone can’t compete to be happy alone.

Too many of us stick with something that doesn’t work because we are afraid of being alone. Why? Ask yourself this question. What about me is so terrifying? Then watch this video for inspiration. See if it can’t motivate you to develop a love relationship with yourself.

2. Your relationship with someone else doesn’t define your worth.

Think about this for a minute. Imagine a 5 carat diamond ring stuffed away in a box at the bottom of a closet. On the box, someone has tossed dirty underwear, scarves and a few socks . It appears no one is aware of the box. It appears no one cares about the box or what is inside it. Does this mean the diamond ring has no value? Or does it mean the person handling the box isn’t valuing the contents?

You are that diamond. Because someone doesn’t value and respect you doesn’t mean you’re not significant. The issue is with them and their actions. Think on this for a minute. Let it soak in.

3. Don’t be a diva.

Even the flattest pancake still has two sides. Don’t get angry over every single thing that happens. Consider your feelings and theirs. Is there something in your SO’s perspective that has merit? Could it possibly be you didn’t see the whole picture? Could their vantage point teach you something about life?

If you realize someone else might “have a point” and you were making a proverbial mountain, get your act together. Yourself. Don’t wait on them to “make it better”.

You are responsible for your own happiness. Not anyone else. Don’t lay the burden of THAT on someone. That’s like blaming a child when a parent is unemployed. The child didn’t create the situation and has no ability to change it. The only one who is responsible for your happiness is you. Once you grasp that concept, you will be free to love others in the most amazing way.

4. Don’t be a doormat.

There’s a balance to all things. I know I just told you to not be a diva. I promise I’m not contradicting myself. Sometimes, it really is worth standing up for yourself. Sometimes, what a person has done isn’t in your best interest or is harmful or disrespectful. Don’t accept being treated poorly. Remember – you deserve respect. And if you give it to your SO, you should get it in return.

Did he stand you up? Make a hurtful comment? Don’t excuse it. Speak up and walk away, if necessary. You are deserving of the very best care.

5. Develop and nurture your own interests.

Don’t drop everything you once enjoyed because you are in a relationship. You can’t give yourself away like that and still be happy. You don’t have to be absorbed by another person to be in a relationship. Keep your identity. Nurture yourself. Continue to love who you are. Keep your friends.

Every relationship has an end. Sometimes, it’s a breakup. Morbid as it may sound, sometimes it’s because of physical death. If you lose yourself in someone else, chances are the relationship will end due to a breakup. If not, I promise you will be miserable. For the rest of your life. Don’t do that to yourself. Accept you deserve to be happy and be full and nurture your spirit.

6. Be open to their interests.

The flipside of that pancake? Be willing to experience the other person’s interests. Don’t be the one who wants it your way all the time. It may work at Burger King, but it’s not great for a healthy relationship. Try something new. Be open to what they would like to do. The great thing about any relationship is it gets us out of our comfort zones and broadens our horizons – if we let it happen. I recently saw a kid at a birthday party completely unhappy while everyone around him was running around enjoying themselves. Why? They weren’t interested in playing his game. And he likes playing his game all the time. Don’t be the pouty kid. Think of others.

Relationships are meant to teach us and enrich our lives. Allow this to happen. You never know what wonderful thing you could enjoy if you are open to the experience.

7. Be accepting and Expect Acceptance.

Don’t try to change anyone. If you can’t handle their faults and love them for who they are, let them go. You aren’t doing them any favors otherwise. If someone is trying to change you, walk away. True love (and this goes for ANY type of relationship) is knowing someone for who they are, all their weaknesses, strengths, flaws, potential, and loving them anyway. It’s looking at a person with clarity and saying, “I see this person. I see what a great person they are. I see them on their bad days too. I see them when they are lazy and tempermental. I see them when they are their best shiny self. And I respect and love them. I know they have great value.”

This doesn’t mean you have to accept something horribly wrong. Don’t accept being abused, verbally or physically. Don’t accept poor behavior. But do they snore? Do they have a tendency to be forgetful or late? If this is something that isn’t high on your pet peeve list, let it go. Admire the good things in them.

Remember – being empathetic and kind goes along way. And, expecting it in return is never too much to ask.

Image by Paul Reynolds

Ok – yesterday I got about six months of thought off my chest.  I released it – and dealt with it – long before I wrote about it. It wasn’t the whole of the matter. It didn’t touch on my joys of last year or my own faults or extenuating circumstances. And it was mostly gloom with a touch of hope.

So today, a little reminder to myself and hopefully to you – life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful. Some of my most cherished memories involve moments in my life that outwardly would’ve seemed like some of my darkest.

Like cooking dinner with my best friend, making mudslides and dancing in her living room – all while we lived together because we both were going through a divorce. There’s this little shiny halo, an aura of gold around those mental pictures in my mind. And I feel all warm and fuzzy when I think about those times. Sure, life was hard. I was scared because I was going to be alone.  My stomach was swimming in acid most days over my finances and I was working two jobs to make sure my son and I would have what we needed. But I think on how much fun, how special and wonderful and precious those days really were.  My friend and I bonded and developed a beautiful friendship that probably wouldn’t be possible if we never experienced that sort of pain.

Then there were the moments, in the last few years, where I’d crank up the music and dance with my sons in the living room. And we’d act silly and twirl around and drink up the ability to just enjoy life for the simple reason of ‘because we can’.

And I look back to days when I sat with my friend in her studio, listening to music and being transported to “that place” because the music took us there. And we let all the other shit fall to the side and simply be in the moment.

Because life will never be perfect.

And it’s the contrast that makes the beauty of it all become clear.

And sometimes you just have to go out there and make your own happiness and find your own bliss and be who you are, however you are, with whomever you’re with.

And if you approach all moments, especially the darker ones, with that mindset – you’ll never know what precious gem you’ll find.

So enjoy the kitty picture – remember if you look with eyes wide open, there’s no telling what you’ll find.

And maybe it’s not relevant but this song comes to mind. Not sure if the words fit but in the moment it fits my thought of being happy regardless of where you are.

Love the One You’re With

New Hairdo!

It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down and wrote a post. Partly because I was crazy busy, but mostly because I was going through such a private, traumatic turn of events I couldn’t bring myself to blog. I didn’t want to write about what happened because I felt as if I’d barely processed it.

Last year sucked. It started great and then with one random, unlucky event, things spiraled down fast. A burn, an infection…

I kept blogging through the illness, at least sporadically. But when reunited with my ex-boyfriend and then broke up with him shortly after, I gave myself personal time to grieve. I can look back and say I knew exactly what I was doing the first time I broke up with him and should’ve stuck to my guns.

I was miserable through most of the relationship. The tension started early. It seemed we were always at odds. I never felt as if I measured up to his standards. And he tried to control so many aspects of me, it was insane. I’m sure in the next revised Webster’s dictionary, his picture will be next to the definition for passive aggressive. We were simply not compatible. When I got pregnant and miscarried, the tenuous fibers holding us together finally snapped.  He was exactly the opposite of the supporting boyfriend I’d hoped to find. In fact, his response was so horrifying, so traumatizing, it took a long time to recover.

In the middle of all this, one of my dearest friends was severely beaten by her husband. He had been someone I considered a good friend – a brother – and the betrayal of that act pained me in ways I couldn’t articulate in that moment. It stirred memories of my childhood. Hidden memories – memories I’d shied away from and tried to forget. In October, it came to a head when I took my children to see E.T.

I sat in the audience with them, watching my childhood unfold before me with every pop culture 80s reference. And I cried. I cried because I should’ve had a good childhood. I cried because I should’ve been happy, innocent. Instead, I was abused and put down. Instead of sharing the “good stories”, I shared stories with certain family members of “having survived”.  And I got angry – angry at the perpetrator. Angry it happened. Angry I wasn’t protected. And I realized there was healing to be done.

So, I’ve focused on my healing. I focused on creating the most nurturing place I could for my children.  I focused on creating the most healing, nurturing place for myself.

I wrote a book. I took up Swedish lessons. I made friends with someone who accepts me as me and this friendship is comfortable and warm and filled with laughter. I’ve moved past most all of what happened last year. From the death of relatives dear to me, to facing my own mortality, to losing a child I wanted and to losing a relationship I didn’t.

2012 seems so much brighter. Not in a bright, shiny, plastic way. But in the sense I overcame and I grew and made it past huge obstacles.  It feels bright because I love myself more each day and because I have a greater clarity of how precious life is and how it is to be enjoyed in each moment we are given to enjoy.

I’ve been re-reading a few posts from those days – listening to the voice of myself and thinking on how far I’ve come and how far I want to go.

I’m going to recycle the following from October 2009, titled ‘Feelings’. You can see the original here.

It’s still a relevant thought in my life today. The desire to breathe again – to explore and enjoy life as me. Not me fitting into the folds of someone else’s existence.  One line I have to refute. I wrote about how it probably was a good thing I had to live with my ex even after we separated. How it was good for the kids and helped us work out some issues. I was lying. I was trying to look on the bright side so the wrinkly, hairless, dirty truth wouldn’t hurt when I looked at it.  In truth, it sucked. It hurt like hell. It was painful, ugly and I hated every minute of it. Even when we did watch TV in the same room together. That happened mostly because I was tired of being holed up in my room after the kids were in bed.  Living with him was like waking up each day to find the little bit of scab growing over my wound had been ripped off again. And again. And again. Until finally, we were able to move on and the ripping stopped.

And also let me clarify – the bit about picking up dirty underwear? I was talking about his, not mine.  :)   I have no issue picking up my own, but when I’m no longer “with” a man, having to pick up his underwear every morning because he tossed it on my wooden cat sculpture from Fiji bugged me. Quite a bit. Especially when I knew it was being done on purpose.

——So here it goes——–

It was strange getting off the plane in Arkansas. I nearly cried. It was a relief. On the plane, I kept thinking, “I can’t believe it’s almost over”. And by it, I mean my divorce and living with my ex. It was a strange transistion, though not uncommon in this economy, to live in the same house as him for several months after we filed for divorce. There was an incredible desire to get away from him, to be able to cry without him knowing, but the option wasn’t there. We were forced to be amicable for the sake of the  kids and I think we handled ourselves well, all things considered. Even though it was painful, I think it was a good thing to be forced to live with him. I think it helped pave the way for us to be respectful and  polite when co-parenting. There were times we even had a decent time together, watching a movie once, laughing – making jokes. I think it’s sad it didn’t work out. I wish, for the kids sake, it had.

Now that it’s almost over, I can say without a doubt I have no desire at this time to ever date again. I don’t want a man to ever try to control me again. I don’t want to be forced to do things “his way” or to be expected to melt into what he expects a woman to act like. I don’t want to compromise on even the small stuff – like where to put the shampoo, picking up dirty underwear or not eating Mexican, mushrooms or seafood because he doesn’t like it.

I like the thought of doing things my way for a change. Of having a clean, tidy home and knowing that where I put something is where it’s place is. I know I don’t have to get in my car to find objects thrown on the floorboard because he didn’t like it where I put it. (Yes, that happened for most of a year even though I asked him to stop throwing my things on the floor. It even happened the very last day we lived together.) If I put something in my car, it will stay where I put it.

I also like the thought of being able to decorate my own way without someone saying they don’t want this bedspread or those towels because it’s not his style. I can do it all my own way. I don’t even know what my style is anymore because I’ve been giving in to what someone else expected for the last five years. I look forward to finding all this out. I look forward to fully blooming. No – I don’t want to date for awhile, if ever. I don’t want to ruin it for me. Or my kids.

When I’m Back On My Feet Again