1. I’m the only one that can make me happy. I’m responsible for my own happiness. Not some man, not my children, not my friends or family. They can contribute, enrich my life, but they are not responsible for my happiness. Depending on someone else to make me happy ends in pain because even the best people are bound to disappoint or not quite be there when I want them to, the way I want them to be there. But, if I own the fact that it is my job to make me happy, the likelihood of said happiness is much greater. Plus, the pressure of an impossible job is off the people I love and care about. It leaves them free to share in whatever joy I create in my life. And knowing that I’m responsible for my happiness also means they can’t take it with them when they leave. Because whether they die or walk away, they will someday leave.
2. I don’t need a man to be ok. This is in part because I have learned lesson #1. This does not mean I am anti-man or that I am ultra-feminist and have decided to shave my head and protest men in the workplace. It just means I’ve lost any desperation or clinginess I might have had in my 20s. I realize that because I am responsible for my happiness then having a man or not having a man isn’t a requirement for whether or not I’m happy. And if it’s not a requirement then I don’t have to bend over backwards to please someone. They like me or they don’t. And if a man doesn’t like something about me, he can deal with it. It’s not my problem. Because I’m ok.  Actually, I’m great. It’s not my fault if he doesn’t see it. If he does see it, and I can deal with whatever issues he has, then he can add extra dimension and compliment the greatness already in my life. And in a weird twist of cosmic harmony, the chances of us being happy together are even greater than if I hadn’t learned this lesson.
3. I’m stronger than I think I am. In this past year, I’ve faced many lows. From divorce to my mom’s cancer, I’ve lived through days when I thought to myself, “I don’t think I can make it.” But I did. And this taught me a survival trick. When I think I can’t face something, or the day is too rough, I breathe in. I allow myself to feel whatever panic or fear or hurt is there. I acknowledge that this is what I’m feeling. I don’t deny my feelings. Then I breathe in again and tell myself that whatever this is will not last forever. I will laugh again. I will feel strong again. And I face whatever “it” is. And wouldn’t you know it? I survive.

But there are some days and there are some weeks, like the day I had today and the week I’ve had this week, when I hate being alone. When I walk in the door, the weight of the world on my shoulders, and wish I had someone standing there, with strong arms I could lean into, to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be ok. Who is, in whatever situation I find myself in, facing the challenges side by side with me. Someone who could wipe the tears away and silently, with their presence, give me strength.

Yes I have friends. And yes I’m sure I could call them, if I could catch them when they aren’t busy with children and jobs and husbands and boyfriends, and cry on their shoulders. But my problems aren’t theirs and they are only looking at them from the outside. Sometimes it makes a difference when you know the person holding you up knows exactly what you are going through.

I know I’ll make it. I know I’ll get through whatever bump in the road I’m facing now. I don’t doubt myself. But there are just some days….

It’s been crazy hectic. Some days I feel the very grit of my soul being tested and can only say that being a single mom is VERY difficult. EVERYTHING depends on me. EVERYTHING. I can’t miss work, I can’t miss my kids parent teacher conference, I can’t miss being there for my kid when he’s sick. Some days I go to my room and collapse on the floor (I couldn’t fit my box springs up the stairs so my mattress is on the floor. Great, huh?), lock the door, give myself five minutes to cry and then wipe my eyes and go back outside to face the world.

I’ve had my mom in the hospital, my sister in ICU, vomity kids and a cranky ex-husband to deal with.

I can’t wait to catch you up on the ins and outs of where I’m at and how it’s going. I’m single now – no boyfriend because I promised myself I’d give it time, but I’m not gonna lie and say it hasn’t felt good to have men show interest in me. I could always use more money and hopefully a second part-time job will keep me from worrying about putting food on the table and keeping the lights on.

Please leave a comment and tell me hi. I’ve missed y’all here!

So now my adventure as sole provider and caretaker of my kids really begins. Check back for the adventures. I’m sure to share them with you! I hope you all had a great holiday season and a wonderful start to your new year!

I know these are the times when growth can occur. Spiritual growth, mental growth, emotional growth. I’m trying to relax into this holding pattern and know things are going to be ok, I will be ok, my kids will be ok.

I want to be content. Not complacent, but content.  Contentment involves finding  joy in life as it is, while being grateful for the things in life that are good without letting go of the hope that tomorrow can be better. It’s a hard lesson, but I’m willing to give it a go.