Image by Simon

I started a conversation on FB and it got me thinking, especially after reading this article on relationships.

Here are a few lessons I’ve learned over the years from being in relationships and being single.

1. Being miserable with someone can’t compete to be happy alone.

Too many of us stick with something that doesn’t work because we are afraid of being alone. Why? Ask yourself this question. What about me is so terrifying? Then watch this video for inspiration. See if it can’t motivate you to develop a love relationship with yourself.

2. Your relationship with someone else doesn’t define your worth.

Think about this for a minute. Imagine a 5 carat diamond ring stuffed away in a box at the bottom of a closet. On the box, someone has tossed dirty underwear, scarves and a few socks . It appears no one is aware of the box. It appears no one cares about the box or what is inside it. Does this mean the diamond ring has no value? Or does it mean the person handling the box isn’t valuing the contents?

You are that diamond. Because someone doesn’t value and respect you doesn’t mean you’re not significant. The issue is with them and their actions. Think on this for a minute. Let it soak in.

3. Don’t be a diva.

Even the flattest pancake still has two sides. Don’t get angry over every single thing that happens. Consider your feelings and theirs. Is there something in your SO’s perspective that has merit? Could it possibly be you didn’t see the whole picture? Could their vantage point teach you something about life?

If you realize someone else might “have a point” and you were making a proverbial mountain, get your act together. Yourself. Don’t wait on them to “make it better”.

You are responsible for your own happiness. Not anyone else. Don’t lay the burden of THAT on someone. That’s like blaming a child when a parent is unemployed. The child didn’t create the situation and has no ability to change it. The only one who is responsible for your happiness is you. Once you grasp that concept, you will be free to love others in the most amazing way.

4. Don’t be a doormat.

There’s a balance to all things. I know I just told you to not be a diva. I promise I’m not contradicting myself. Sometimes, it really is worth standing up for yourself. Sometimes, what a person has done isn’t in your best interest or is harmful or disrespectful. Don’t accept being treated poorly. Remember – you deserve respect. And if you give it to your SO, you should get it in return.

Did he stand you up? Make a hurtful comment? Don’t excuse it. Speak up and walk away, if necessary. You are deserving of the very best care.

5. Develop and nurture your own interests.

Don’t drop everything you once enjoyed because you are in a relationship. You can’t give yourself away like that and still be happy. You don’t have to be absorbed by another person to be in a relationship. Keep your identity. Nurture yourself. Continue to love who you are. Keep your friends.

Every relationship has an end. Sometimes, it’s a breakup. Morbid as it may sound, sometimes it’s because of physical death. If you lose yourself in someone else, chances are the relationship will end due to a breakup. If not, I promise you will be miserable. For the rest of your life. Don’t do that to yourself. Accept you deserve to be happy and be full and nurture your spirit.

6. Be open to their interests.

The flipside of that pancake? Be willing to experience the other person’s interests. Don’t be the one who wants it your way all the time. It may work at Burger King, but it’s not great for a healthy relationship. Try something new. Be open to what they would like to do. The great thing about any relationship is it gets us out of our comfort zones and broadens our horizons – if we let it happen. I recently saw a kid at a birthday party completely unhappy while everyone around him was running around enjoying themselves. Why? They weren’t interested in playing his game. And he likes playing his game all the time. Don’t be the pouty kid. Think of others.

Relationships are meant to teach us and enrich our lives. Allow this to happen. You never know what wonderful thing you could enjoy if you are open to the experience.

7. Be accepting and Expect Acceptance.

Don’t try to change anyone. If you can’t handle their faults and love them for who they are, let them go. You aren’t doing them any favors otherwise. If someone is trying to change you, walk away. True love (and this goes for ANY type of relationship) is knowing someone for who they are, all their weaknesses, strengths, flaws, potential, and loving them anyway. It’s looking at a person with clarity and saying, “I see this person. I see what a great person they are. I see them on their bad days too. I see them when they are lazy and tempermental. I see them when they are their best shiny self. And I respect and love them. I know they have great value.”

This doesn’t mean you have to accept something horribly wrong. Don’t accept being abused, verbally or physically. Don’t accept poor behavior. But do they snore? Do they have a tendency to be forgetful or late? If this is something that isn’t high on your pet peeve list, let it go. Admire the good things in them.

Remember – being empathetic and kind goes along way. And, expecting it in return is never too much to ask.

I’ve been re-reading a few posts from those days – listening to the voice of myself and thinking on how far I’ve come and how far I want to go.

I’m going to recycle the following from October 2009, titled ‘Feelings’. You can see the original here.

It’s still a relevant thought in my life today. The desire to breathe again – to explore and enjoy life as me. Not me fitting into the folds of someone else’s existence.  One line I have to refute. I wrote about how it probably was a good thing I had to live with my ex even after we separated. How it was good for the kids and helped us work out some issues. I was lying. I was trying to look on the bright side so the wrinkly, hairless, dirty truth wouldn’t hurt when I looked at it.  In truth, it sucked. It hurt like hell. It was painful, ugly and I hated every minute of it. Even when we did watch TV in the same room together. That happened mostly because I was tired of being holed up in my room after the kids were in bed.  Living with him was like waking up each day to find the little bit of scab growing over my wound had been ripped off again. And again. And again. Until finally, we were able to move on and the ripping stopped.

And also let me clarify – the bit about picking up dirty underwear? I was talking about his, not mine.  :)   I have no issue picking up my own, but when I’m no longer “with” a man, having to pick up his underwear every morning because he tossed it on my wooden cat sculpture from Fiji bugged me. Quite a bit. Especially when I knew it was being done on purpose.

——So here it goes——–

It was strange getting off the plane in Arkansas. I nearly cried. It was a relief. On the plane, I kept thinking, “I can’t believe it’s almost over”. And by it, I mean my divorce and living with my ex. It was a strange transistion, though not uncommon in this economy, to live in the same house as him for several months after we filed for divorce. There was an incredible desire to get away from him, to be able to cry without him knowing, but the option wasn’t there. We were forced to be amicable for the sake of the  kids and I think we handled ourselves well, all things considered. Even though it was painful, I think it was a good thing to be forced to live with him. I think it helped pave the way for us to be respectful and  polite when co-parenting. There were times we even had a decent time together, watching a movie once, laughing – making jokes. I think it’s sad it didn’t work out. I wish, for the kids sake, it had.

Now that it’s almost over, I can say without a doubt I have no desire at this time to ever date again. I don’t want a man to ever try to control me again. I don’t want to be forced to do things “his way” or to be expected to melt into what he expects a woman to act like. I don’t want to compromise on even the small stuff – like where to put the shampoo, picking up dirty underwear or not eating Mexican, mushrooms or seafood because he doesn’t like it.

I like the thought of doing things my way for a change. Of having a clean, tidy home and knowing that where I put something is where it’s place is. I know I don’t have to get in my car to find objects thrown on the floorboard because he didn’t like it where I put it. (Yes, that happened for most of a year even though I asked him to stop throwing my things on the floor. It even happened the very last day we lived together.) If I put something in my car, it will stay where I put it.

I also like the thought of being able to decorate my own way without someone saying they don’t want this bedspread or those towels because it’s not his style. I can do it all my own way. I don’t even know what my style is anymore because I’ve been giving in to what someone else expected for the last five years. I look forward to finding all this out. I look forward to fully blooming. No – I don’t want to date for awhile, if ever. I don’t want to ruin it for me. Or my kids.

When I’m Back On My Feet Again

My Dad and Me - People say he looks like "that guy from ABBA"

There’s something about facing death that makes a girl realize she really has to let loose and live her dreams. And it doesn’t matter if the dream sounds crazy to other folks. It’s not about them anyhow. This dream is all hers. What good would it do to try and live someone else’s dream? There’s no fun OR satisfaction in that.

So, after a year filled with accidents and illness and near death and other people around me I love dying …..

I decided it was time. Time to just go for it. Forget the naysayers. Even if most of them are in my own head. And the ones that aren’t in my head don’t matter anyhow. When this life – my life – is over, I don’t want to stand at the edge of it and wonder what the hell I was thinking and why I didn’t go after this or that or why I allowed someone else to tell me what to do or how to do it. Or why I was too afraid to live in my own skin.

And one fantastic, all-consuming dream I’ve had was to go to Sweden. Why? Because I want to – I mean, why do I like red or green or orange? Why do I like old Rock or Jazz or Metal but not Country Western? What’s the logic behind all that?

To be fair, part of it has to do with the fact I’d been compared to my Grandpa Ericsson and how I acted like him and how he came from Sweden. I’d heard he was about the nicest man one could meet and this was coming from people in the family that didn’t like anybody. I also was told that once his wife died, he was a real ladies man – all the women were after him. I know he wouldn’t drive any car but a Saab. But that’s all I knew. And hearing those things, my fascination with Sweden grew.

But the rest – the fact I crave any little bit of information I can get about Sweden, have dreamed of learning Swedish or have been known to randomly google Sweden or Swedish things just because I wanted to “know” and see people who may look like me or find out what they were like versus Ireland where I happen to know my mom’s folks come from – this is inexplicable. And when you live in America, learning Swedish is as practical as learning how to fire walk.

But, learning Swedish and going to Sweden have been this long held dream I once thought a bit far-fetched. Yet by God, how I wanted to do it!

And so now, in a year and season of my life when I focus on getting back to what Tawnya wants, I’ve decided to go for it.

For nearly two weeks now, each night I sit in front of my computer, wearing headphones and a mic and practice Swedish.

Kvinnan dricker vatten. Flickan springer. Jag kör bil. Han kör inte bil. Hej! Pojken, Barn, Koppa, Hund, Jar lagar mat, God Morgon!

And by giving myself to this dream, I feel more alive than I’ve ever felt.

And I’m seeing the most amazing miracles occur as a result. It’s been an amazing month – an amazing few weeks – and, I can honestly say, an amazing year.

I’m looking forward to the rest of it!

Beautiful Shot by http://www.flickr.com/photos/lutherankorean/

The tell-tale beating of my heart has slowed. For those aware, I had one doctor diagnosing me with pulmonary hypertension. I decided not to take his word for it and sought out another opinion and also visited a pulmonary hypertension specialist in a prestigious clinic devoted to the same.

The result? I don’t have it. The stress on my heart was brought on by a sleeping disorder that my new general physician diagnosed. I’ve been taking the proper meds and treatment and I’m like a new woman. I’ve been told the diagnosis and subsequent treatment will prevent me from further troubles and all my symptoms have since disappeared.

Better yet – I can exercise, dance and run to my hearts’ content.

I keep hearing in my head

“I can see clearly now the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my view…..”

Thanks to all my friends and family who stood by me in the thick of it. I love you!