I had every intention of venting, ranting, finger-pointing – yes, it was to be my moment of glory. The day of reckoning. The grand hour of justice when I exposed, for all to see, the insanity, the venom, the deception of the foe whom shall not be named.

I’m sure you’ve had one before. The person who pushes every button which ever existed in your anguished psyche. The person who acts angelic in front of others then sends texts or letters filled with hidden barbs. The one who, oops, forgot to include you in “whatever event”, all the while you know – YOU KNOW – this person meant to insult you.

Photo by EvilErin of Flikr.com

I’ve been plagued by that someone.

Then I realized –

It wasn’t about me.

Whatever it is, I know beyond all doubt, I did no harm, caused no offense.

So whatever misdeed or perceived threat – it isn’t me.

It’s her.

And her story.

And her pain.

Not me or mine.

And in the very moment yesterday, when I finally engaged her and thought I was calling her out on the carpet, I saw myself. I realized while texts flew in the void,

This is dumb.

Getting involved in her story only brings me pain, stress and anxiety.

I didn’t write her story.

I can only write mine.

And I choose to write mine without this headache in it.

Later, in conversation with a friend, I realized –

I worried about her because I was fearful she would destroy pieces of my life.

And revelation!

She can’t.

Because that story is mine.

Dangerous Seeds of Negativity

But, one of my big goals for myself was to never EVER NEVER be in the position I was in last year when I was getting a divorce. I had thrown all my eggs into the basket of my marriage. I had NOT saved a dime in any sort of separate fund. I had quit my job and was a full time mommy. (Now please, I don’t slam SAHMs but let’s face it, you lose some financial power when you don’t have a payroll check with your name on it, a 401K, in your name, with funds deposited regularly and your own credit cards). I also am not in complete favor of totally separate accounts when you are married. Still – I knew things were bad. I knew our marriage was extremely shaky.
Had I been smart, I would’ve had a backup plan. I also wouldn’t have let yet another man screw my credit score. In between marriages, I had worked really hard to repair the damage marriage #1 had wrought on my credit. I finally had a great credit score. But there I was a second time, in the aftermath of marriage #2, with even worse credit this time around. Why? Because I wasn’t firm in standing up for my financial rights. I didn’t take responsibility for my actions and I let someone else (read: ex-husband) tell me what WE were going to do with MY credit. (His credit was non-existent because he was a foreigner so anything having to do with credit was done in my name.)
I also had a difficult time finding a job in last year’s economic climate. Even with a Master’s degree under my belt, being out of the workforce for mommy-hood put a dark smudge on my resume. (I felt this was unfair, but fairness usually has NOTHING to do with the reality of how life plays out.)
So for most of this year, I’ve been treading water and a few times I feared I would go under for good. I found a job (a job I LOVE) but was so far in the hole and was making so little at the time, every dollar was a struggle. As I proved myself and my income increased (and still is in the process of doing so, Thank God), I began making changes in how I do things and where I spend my money. But budgeting was still a scary thing for me.
This is where my life coach, Jennifer Priest stepped in. Together, over the last few months, we’ve been creating a plan and making steps to take the fear out of budgeting and make my financial goals a reality. Over the next few weeks, I’ll discuss what happened, not just on a practical level, but how facing my finances and budget head on impacted me emotionally and spiritually. And, I’ll give you a glimpse of what’s to come and how I plan on getting there.
If you have a tip or somehow relate to what I say, please share! I am NOT an expert, only a real woman sharing her real story.

Life is like that sometimes. You can’t predict what will happen or when or how it will feel when it does. You can’t even predict  how you’ll react. You may think you know, but you don’t.

A few days ago, I was still feeling the effects of everything that had happened. My stomach was in knots and it felt like I had guzzled a gallon of acid. I was feeling down and upset I was alone and wishing people would call. And then I remembered.

I remembered the last year. I remembered everything I’ve already overcome. I remembered the lessons I learned and I made a decision. I wasn’t going to sit in the turmoil of it all. I wasn’t going to fall back into old patterns and feel needy or clingy or overwhelmed. Not anymore.

So I took a deep breath and exhaled. I reminded myself of the fact that I’ve learned I’m ok. As I am. Alone or with someone. Rich or poor. Fat or thin. Because the external, the labels, the situations don’t define me. I’m not my circumstances. I’m not even my body. I have a body. But it is only a covering. A shell to house the essence of who I really am. And my life, the fact I’m a mom or a friend or a daughter or I have a Masters degree and a knack for baking chocolate chip cookies – none of that is who I am either. They are pieces of my experience. But they aren’t the true me.

The real me is so much more than any of that. And I enjoy spending time with me. I’m pretty great. I’m more wise than I give myself credit for on a daily basis. I have strength that hasn’t even been close to being spent. I have a deep reservoir of love and compassion that is the basis for what moves me. I’m clever and funny and kind.

But I don’t say this to toot my own horn and shout “hey everybody look at how great I am”. I’m sharing it because I’m not unique in this. Anyone is capable of getting to know themselves on a deeper level. Of shedding the labels that define them. Of looking past their resume and seeing their inner beauty and strength. Of tapping into the wisdom of the soul behind their body and becoming free and empowered. Because, except for extreme exceptions, we all have this truth. Even if not everyone is aware of it.

If you are having a hard time now, if you are stuck in pain or situations or relationships, and you are unhappy, dropping the labels, spending time with yourself, learning how to love – truly love – who you are in each moment can free you. It begins with a breath. A deep breath. And letting go, relaxing, stilling your mind and the obsessive thoughts and connecting to who you are.

Dieter Pauwels will be joining us for a series of posts. Mr. Pauwels is a Certified Professional Coach, with a focus on life coaching, career counseling & business coaching. (Website: http://www.dieterpauwels.com Blog: http://lifecoaching.dieterpauwels.com )

The following resulted from a series of email conversations with Mr. Pauwels concerning this desire to make change, to get the most out of one’s life.

Hearing the calling

Sometimes you get stuck, or you feel that something is missing. Perhaps you have deep longing to get more out of life.

The only way to get more out of life is to put more of yourself into it, so you can become more, more of who you are.  But then you ask “Who am I?” and you answer in terms of  the things you do, like your job and  the different roles you play, life being a mother, a wife, a sister, an independent sales representative or a caregiver to your parents.

Sometimes you get confused about who you really are, or you feel emotional tired from all the different roles you’ve taken on.  You look in the mirror and wonder who you really are. Do you sometimes wonder? I do.

That longing to get more out of life is like hearing a deeper calling, a voice waiting to be heard and listened to. This voice can manifest itself in any form, size or dimension. It could be in the form of a problem that won’t go away and must be dealt with, a fear that must be faced, a decision to do work that is more expressive of your true nature, or the beginning of anything new such as an exercise plan or a healthy diet change.

It might be a new attitude or a different way of thinking about something.

How to listen to the call?

The first thing to do is actually to stop and take a time out. You want to get out of your own way (of thinking and behaving) and create some space.

Some people find it difficult to take a time out and to make ‘quiet time’ because of their busy routines at work and at home.

Others perceive silence as uncomfortable, or even awkward. They tend to fill up the perceived emptiness in their lives with even more noises, such as television, radio, inner chatter or meaningless conversations.

Being present requires curiosity and mindfulness. It requires that you look at your situation as if you were an observer of your life, with an attitude of kindness and non-judgment. The moment you judge a situation, you’ll label it as either good or bad, and thus limit the possibility of change.

Do you stop and take a time out? If so, how? What method(s) have you found most effective? Or, are you uncomfortable with the silence of your own mind?