I went through a breakup several months ago. When I’m in a relationship, I’m focused. I’m settled. I’m not looking around. But now that my head is not in the clouds, I’m beginning to see what’s around me. Perhaps, it’s just the confidence I have. I’m not stuck on myself and I’ve never been one to think “Wow, I’m hot”. But since my divorce, I’ve been cultivating myself. I planted my own rose garden and, in the process, began to really love who I was – warts, scars and all.

And lately I’ve noticed I’m getting noticed.  For the first time in my life I’m starting to think the girl in the mirror isn’t so bad to look at after all. I took a trip last month. The attention I got was almost dizzying. In four days, I was asked out twice, hit on in the airport (on the way to and from), given free apple pie, had a man in Prada approach me, bought drinks (again at the airport waiting for a delayed plane), was surrounded at a party like Scarlett at the barbeque and had glances that were so obvious it nearly unnerved me. I don’t think it’s due to how I look. I think the time I took to love me, to know me and to nurture me paid off in a way I don’t truly understand. My best friend keeps telling me there is a light around me that seems to draw people in to me. I don’t know if I want the attention that strong honestly. It’s great. It’s a refreshing change from being the woman afraid to leave the house because I thought I was too ugly. It’s better than being beaten down and berated by a man who was supposed to love me till death do us part. Yet at the same time, it’s nice to hear so many people tell me I’m beautiful.

But more than beauty – more than looks, more than approval from men – what I value and what I cherish and hold dear to my heart is knowing I have intelligence and heart. If tomorrow I get hit by a bus and become unrecognizable, I know I still have something to share with the world. I know the depth of who I am is not measurable by glancing at my image. Yet at the same time – I love loving the girl in the mirror.

Last year, I set a definite time frame for my ‘relationship status’. Not that I stated I would only be single for one year, but that I would purposefully NOT be in a relationship for at least one year. This year, I’m letting go of this. This does not mean I will now start looking for ‘the one’. Quite the opposite. It simply means I’ve let go of the thought it takes another person to make me happy and I’ve now become comfortable in my own presence. I am open to life bringing me someone or not bringing me someone. I am releasing the pressure to be ‘a couple’ and am enjoying the belief that on a higher level I am connected and a part of all living things. I also sense, at this point, the most wonderful relationships, whether romantic or friendship, are the kind that aren’t forced or chased after but develop and bloom as naturally as a flower takes root.  And once the root takes hold, it will be my pleasure and joy to water and tend and care for the tender plant of communion with another person.

So, in less flowery words – I am happy and fulfilled with who I am. I don’t reject the idea of a romantic relationship but I don’t chase after it either.

Now on to a new kind of list. 

I  honor my body and my spirit. It is my intention to listen to and heed the inner voice that leads me every day. I do this with my eating, with my physical activity, with the people I choose to spend time with, with the rest I get, with what I put my energy and focus and attention towards.

I allow myself to live in the moment. I don’t focus on what should be or what was, but on the moment as it comes and give myself fully to it. When I am with loved ones, I focus and give my full attention and presence to them.

I recognize my thoughts are the foundation for what my life is. As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. This wisdom carries me in every situation – financial, emotional,physical, spiritual.

Maybe you noticed how I framed my intentions for this year differently than last year. I plan on re-visiting this list as often as I can. I don’t expect perfection. I let go of the fear of failure or the pride of success and allow what is to bloom fully in me to unfold as only God can.

Along the way, I’ve grown. The pressing urge to become perfect has fallen away. In it’s place is a compassion for myself and an awareness that perfection is not the goal, but continual improvement. When I am aware of being caught up in negativity, I’m pleased because the awareness signals to me I’m improving and am not trapped and held powerless by my thoughts. Life has become a practice – practice in being gracious, in being present in the moment and not trapped by the past or caught up in the future.

It frees me from being hurt by others because I realize others’ actions might affect circumstances but only I have the power to let it affect my soul. I can choose to be grateful for any lessons learned. I can choose to be still and understanding. I can choose to love or I can choose to be bitter, resentful and hate-filled. It is my choice. Knowing this is liberating. Sometimes I have to actively remind myself I have the choice, but the choice is and always has been mine.

So in search of balance, I’ve let go of the pressing goal for balance. Ironically, it’s in letting go that balance comes.

Two, I don’t have a piano and want a musical outlet. Art, music, reading, writing – all these things nurture the soul. It’s important regardless of what’s going on in one’s life to nurture the essence of the being. The arts expand oneself. It’s not frivolous. It’s not expendable. Reaching in, reaching deep, discovering and letting go of emotion through painting or writing or singing a song is part of the human experience. It’s healing, it’s soothing. And now especially, I need soothing.

And third, I need the experience of getting completely frustrated with something. I want to be challenged. To encounter a controlled situation and have to push myself to achieve a goal. It’s how we grow. And, learning how to push, to persevere, to master a skill is a skill in itself I can apply to any other area in my life.

As I struggle to build strength and flexibility in my fingers, to adapt to wrapping my hand around the guitar and press the right strings, I get frustrated. I could quit if I wanted. I could sit the guitar down and think about how bad I suck at guitar playing. Or, I could breathe deep and realize I will never play a simple song if I don’t get these little skills down. That a little bit every day of practice brings me much closer to my goal. I can also choose to continue on and envision what I will feel like when I can play. And how proud I will be.

I can choose to continue on and not let frustration get me. And let that choice spill into every other area of my life.