A Womans Blog

Tip #1

Surround yourself with images of anorexic celebrities, many of which are airbrushed and photo-finished to remove what little defects they have left on their emaciated bodies. Spend at least 15 minutes daily staring into the mirror and obsess over why you don’t look photoshopped in real life. After working yourself into a depressed and catatonic state, console yourself with 1 pint of Hagen Daas.

Tip #2

Ditch your thin friends. Really,who wants to be influenced by a skinny bitch that orders salad with fat-free dressing on the side? And later, when you’re feeling lonely, watch Beaches late at night while eating pepperoni pizza and sucking down margaritas. The best part about this tip? You won’t be tormented by women wearing size 0’s asking if they look fat in their jeans.

Tip #3

By this point, not only will you feel horrible about yourself knowing you’ll never live up to societal expectations, but you will also have cut back on your social life. It’s time to pull out the liquor. Studies say a glass of wine is good for the heart but I say tequila is even better. Experiment between jello shots, margaritas or straight down the hatch to avoid boredom. But don’t stop at just one drink per day. And to keep from getting too wasted too fast, make sure you eat lots of starchy veggies while drinking. Potato chips, deep fried jalapenos or even a bag of pretzels will work.

Tip #4

Go shopping for a new wardrobe when you have PMS. Let’s face it, after a month of following tips 1 through 3 you’ll need new clothes. And by waiting until the hormones are waging war on your body and emotional psyche, it’s guaranteed the only things you’ll find that fit will have more X’s than a porn movie. After you’ve stopped torturing yourself, drive to the nearest Mexican restaurant and load up on the free tortillas, chips and salsa while slinging back more tequila. Remind yourself that you suck, you have no friends and no clothes that fit and order the fried sopapillas for comfort.

Tip #5

Avoid all movement. This tip is extremely helpful after you’ve been on a steady diet of tequila. It’s likely that you will experience headaches, diarrhea and frequent vomiting. Even if you have friends left after showing how shallow you are by ditching girlfriends based on their weight alone, it’s unlikely that you will feel like having much social contact due to the side effects of the tequila. Or, if you are like me, and tequila only increases your desire for social stimulus, it is likely you will overdo it and find yourself with a sprained neck (head banging), leaden thighs (damage from trying to pole dance at the local pub) and a sore throat (from shouting ‘woo-hoo’ in between kissing sessions with too many strangers). Once you reach this point, you will not want any social contact. If you are over 30, you will feel this way for at least one week.

When you recuperate, make sure you spend plenty of the time on the sofa in front of the TV watching Ellen, Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy. And - don’t forget the tequila.

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