The Girl In The Mirror

Using this picture of me makes me feel slightly vain. But it is my blog. And the picture is very recent.  And I don’t have any cute cat pictures to use. And then there is the thought that keeps going through my mind – maybe I am pretty after all. So why the hell not?

I went through a breakup several months ago. When I’m in a relationship, I’m focused. I’m settled. I’m not looking around. But now that my head is not in the clouds, I’m beginning to see what’s around me. Perhaps, it’s just the confidence I have. I’m not stuck on myself and I’ve never been one to think “Wow, I’m hot”. But since my divorce, I’ve been cultivating myself. I planted my own rose garden and, in the process, began to really love who I was – warts, scars and all.

And lately I’ve noticed I’m getting noticed.  For the first time in my life I’m starting to think the girl in the mirror isn’t so bad to look at after all. I took a trip last month. The attention I got was almost dizzying. In four days, I was asked out twice, hit on in the airport (on the way to and from), given free apple pie, had a man in Prada approach me, bought drinks (again at the airport waiting for a delayed plane), was surrounded at a party like Scarlett at the barbeque and had glances that were so obvious it nearly unnerved me. I don’t think it’s due to how I look. I think the time I took to love me, to know me and to nurture me paid off in a way I don’t truly understand. My best friend keeps telling me there is a light around me that seems to draw people in to me. I don’t know if I want the attention that strong honestly. It’s great. It’s a refreshing change from being the woman afraid to leave the house because I thought I was too ugly. It’s better than being beaten down and berated by a man who was supposed to love me till death do us part. Yet at the same time, it’s nice to hear so many people tell me I’m beautiful.

But more than beauty – more than looks, more than approval from men – what I value and what I cherish and hold dear to my heart is knowing I have intelligence and heart. If tomorrow I get hit by a bus and become unrecognizable, I know I still have something to share with the world. I know the depth of who I am is not measurable by glancing at my image. Yet at the same time – I love loving the girl in the mirror.