Feelings
It was strange getting off the plane in Arkansas. I nearly cried. It was a relief. On the plane, I kept thinking, “I can’t believe it’s almost over”. And by it, I mean my divorce and living with my ex. It was a strange transistion, though not uncommon in this economy, to live in the same house as him for several months after we filed for divorce. There was an incredible desire to get away from him, to be able to cry without him knowing, but the option wasn’t there. We were forced to be amicable for the sake of the kids and I think we handled ourselves well, all things considered. Even though it was painful, I think it was a good thing to be forced to live with him. I think it helped pave the way for us to be respectful and polite when co-parenting. There were times we even had a decent time together, watching a movie once, laughing – making jokes. I think it’s sad it didn’t work out. I wish, for the kids sake, it had.
Now that it’s almost over, I can say without a doubt I have no desire at this time to ever date again. I don’t want a man to ever try to control me again. I don’t want to be forced to do things “his way” or to be expected to melt into what he expects a woman to act like. I don’t want to compromise on even the small stuff – like where to put the shampoo, picking up dirty underwear or not eating Mexican, mushrooms or seafood because he doesn’t like it.
I like the thought of doing things my way for a change. Of having a clean, tidy home and knowing that where I put something is where it’s place is. I know I don’t have to get in my car to find objects thrown on the floorboard because he didn’t like it where I put it. (Yes, that happened for most of a year even though I asked him to stop throwing my things on the floor. It even happened the very last day we lived together.) If I put something in my car, it will stay where I put it.
I also like the thought of being able to decorate my own way without someone saying they don’t want this bedspread or those towels because it’s not his style. I can do it all my own way. I don’t even know what my style is anymore because I’ve been giving in to what someone else expected for the last five years. I look forward to finding all this out. I look forward to fully blooming. No – I don’t want to date for awhile, if ever. I don’t want to ruin it for me. Or my kids.
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October 6th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I lived with my ex-wife for almost 2 years after she initially told me she seeing someone else and leaving me. In my case, it never really came up; she just presumed to stay with me while she got on her feet financially. In addition, she stopped helping me with the bills, and basically lived in the house that I was paying for for that time. I couldn’t kick her out because of our kids, and we did make effective co-parents; even if it was a tense and awkward household.
It was yet another way in which her narcissism controlled every aspect of our lives, and it’s a grand thing that she is out now. I am raising the kids on my own without her intervention and it’s so much smoother and more peaceful around here. Things are organized, we’re finally on a schedule, and everybody is much happier. The kids still get to see her on Saturdays and they enjoy their time with her, so in the end it all worked out. In hindsight, those two years were terrible for all involved.
I can totally relate with how you feel. Since 2007, I have basically shunned the idea of ever loving again, and even dating was a loathsome goal; but eventually you’ll get lonely. Now, almost four years after she first told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore, I’m finally starting to get the urge to date again. I don’t want to have wasted this part of my youth (I’m only 32).
Enjoy your space, rediscover yourself as a woman. The rest will come in time, and you’ll discover happiness again.
-@primesuspect
October 7th, 2009 at 4:48 am
Oh yes, I’m in this exact same place right now. I’m still living in the same house with my soon-to-be-ex and at times it’s very difficult because I am bursting at the seams with needing my privacy, my own space, and my own things. But I agree, if we hadn’t been forced to live together there are many issues we’d never have resolved and the process has allowed us to let go of some things to be respectful for the kid’s sake. It’s also allowed me the opportunity to keep him focused on what is best for ALL of us when his instinct is to focus on what’s best for him.
I’m in full agreement on the dating issue. Not looking forward to it, can’t see it happening, not interested. I’m way too excited about my independent future.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Pat – So good to hear from you. Our lives seem to be so similar right now. If we ever meet in person, I look forward to the shared wine and the chat. It’s comforting to know somewhere out there understands me. Comforting to know I’m not alone. Hugs!
PrimeSuspect – Hi twitter friend! Wow – kudos to you for the job you are doing with your kids. Maybe someday I’ll get lonely, but I’m so burned, the thought of getting out there and dating seems horrible. I’m glad your kids have you – it sounds like they got a bum deal for a mom. Much luck to you – sounds like things are finally getting to a good place for your family.
October 15th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Hey Tawnya… Congrats on making it through the worst of it. I’ve been there. Back in 2000, I lived with my ex-husband for 7 months until I finally broke free and moved to LA from Vancouver.
Although he wasn’t as controlling as your ex sounds, it was probably just as trying in other ways.
It’s only up from here!
Wishing you all the best!