Some days it’s a struggle. Like today. A struggle to get out of bed. A struggle to make the coffee. A struggle to keep doing the same things I do every day. It’s this anxious feeling that makes it a struggle. I’m tired of waiting on things to change. I’m ready to move on to the next phase of my life, to have my own place, to get away from the ex – his mess, his critical, judgmental attitude. I want independence and freedom. I feel like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, struggling with my wings, trying to break free and fly away.

I’m anxious to move on. Anxious to have everything behind me.

When I feel like this, it’s easy to slip into despair. If I wanted, I could sit down and just give in to this feeling. Let it swallow me whole. Lose myself in it. But I don’t want to do that.

Finding contentment wherever you are in life. This seems to be life’s challenge for me. Moving on to that next phase won’t guarantee my happiness. A change of scenery, my own apartment – having everything I could possibly want – won’t ensure happiness. Our founding fathers only guaranteed the right to pursue happiness, not the right to have happiness and it’s my own opinion they understood something about the inconsistency of happiness.

Some say happiness is a choice. I don’t agree. I think happiness is circumstantial. You get a promotion and raise – happiness. Your best friend dies – unhappiness. You meet the love of your life – here you go again – happiness. The key is to not allow circumstances to define you, to rob you of the ability to see how rich and full life is. The key is finding contentment regardless of what is happening in your life.

I’m in the process. I’ve not arrived to some status of perfection. I’m not a guru. Some days I think I’ve got it down. It feels like I’ve mastered the process. Then I wake up the next day, only to find out I have to start all over again. If I’m not careful, I beat myself up over not ‘having it all together’. The internal voice says ‘Damn it Tawnya! You had this down yesterday. What the hell is your problem? You’re just a screw-up!’

But that voice is a liar. It’s the equivalent of getting pissed off every time I have to fill up my car with gas – like something is inherently wrong with my car, it’s a defective model because the gas tank doesn’t stay perpetually full.

Cars don’t work that way and neither do people. This is when I stop, take a deep breath and become still. And then I remember the compassion I show on other people. And I show the same compassion to myself. And I fill up my tank.

Welcome back!