I’ve been told divorce is a roller coaster ride. I know it is as I’ve been there before. But, for me, roller coaster rides denote good times, laughter, thrills, cotton candy and gyro booths. What I’m going through is none of this.

It’s alternating between believing it’s the best and right thing for me and my children and then wondering if I really did all I could to salvage the relationship. It’s wondering if I ‘hung in there’ long enough. It’s looking at him and remembering why I fell for him in the first place. And then suddenly remembering how he broke my heart.

It’s one big sappy mess of tears one minute and a thrilling sense of self-discovery the next. I look at my two younger children and wish wish wish I could get the Ex to realize, admit and be determined to be a better parent to the oldest. To see what a wonderful child he is and if he’d admit, apologize and even just pretend at first until the feelings kicked in, that the older son has the capacity to love him and make him proud – just as proud as he is of other two. I wonder if he even has the desire or capacity for it.

It’s wondering if he misses me and wishes it could be different for us. It’s wondering what goes on in that head of his and why he shows absolutely no emotion at any time expressing sadness for what’s happened. It makes me think he doesn’t. That he’s through and has been a long time. Or is he just masking the sadness out of pride?

It’s realizing that I still care for him and am very angry at him all at the same time.

Then I think about new beginnings. The ability to show I can stand on my own. The part where someday I might actually find someone who can love me and not judge or criticize me. And then there’s the part where I never ever want to find anyone. That I’m done. I don’t need a man and I don’t want a man and I’d prefer not to feel the heartache of it all again.

And all of this happens in the span of an hour in one day, every day and every week.

So many wishes. A rollercoaster? Definitely. But not one I’d pay to ride.

Welcome back!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009 at 11:16 am and is filed under 1 Year. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.