My List
I had a dear friend tell me the other day, “Tawnya, you don’t ask enough of men!”. At first, I sputtered and mutttered. Then I realized she was right. Consider the short list of “issues” in men I’ve dated that I overlooked to be with somebody in an effort not to seem superficial.
- Really long nose hair (oh, I know. It really did bother me, but those few dates I kept thinking “I don’t want to seem superficial!”)
- Rotted teeth (see explanation above. And, in my defense, they weren’t that obvious.)
- Previous addiction to crack (I do NOT have experience with drugs. So I was totally naive on this one, but I can tell you when I found out, it put a hamper on any wedding plans we may have had.)
- The nickname “Psycho”
- The inability to keep any sort of promise
I could go on but painfully I think you get my next point. I need a list of deal breakers. A list of “MUST-HAVES”. A list that says “I will not continue a relationship if the man does not fulfill these requirements”. Of course, I’ve also decided I needed a self-imposed year of no relationships. None. A whole year of focusing on healing myself, picking up the pieces, getting on my feet, taking care of my children, finding out what I really want from life.
So, idea! Ping! I will create the list. I will live my best, most fulfilled life for a year. And then I’ll revisit the list. I would even bet a thing or two on the list will change within this year of introspection and awakening.
Are you ready for this? Here is what a man MUST have to be “the one”.
- Integrity
- Sense of Humor
- Intelligent
- Accomplished in career
- Brings to the table as much as I do… emotionally and spiritually
- Financially Stable (Great income, Low debt, Good credit, Solid retirement plan in place)
- Loves to travel (long vacations & weekend getaways)
- Not overly critical of others
- Well read
- Great Kisser
- Good in Bed
- Values his Nuclear Family
- Not negative about my relationship with my family
- Great with children
- Loves animals
- Loves to dance (or at least willing to dance occasionally)
- Nice dresser
- Helpful
- Foodie
- Music lover
- No children or his children are over 18 years of age, no children drama
- Wise
- Pampers, dotes on, appreciates and respects me
- Supportive of my writing
- Down to earth, not snobby
- Helps around the house
- No problems with alcohol, drugs current or past
- Good looking, well-groomed
- Wildly attracted to me
- Maintains a healthy weight
- Enjoys spending time with me
- Has strong network of friends who also have integrity & share our core values
Some of these may be too specific. Some may not be specific enough. Some, I may find later to be not so important and take them off or vice versa.
What do you think? Anything I left off or should take away? And why?
Tawnya,
You forgot the cooking: a man must know how to cook and not only the grill part of the cooking
The palate is a fundamental part of a relationship and someone that can surprise you in the way he cooks FOR YOU will surely reveal a lot of himself in the process.
X
FF
Good point! I tend to agree….
Thanks Fernando!
I firmly believe in creating a list. I did just that years ago, but I had forgotten about it when I met my husband. I found it last year. It was not really a surprise that he met almost every single one of my criteria! He didn’t have a sister, but I had since realized that sister-in-law issues are NOT worth looking for. It’s ok to put superficial things on the list too… you can have preferences. I was looking for blue eyes. I don’t know why, I just was.
Other things… I was looking for a nice smile, ability to make me laugh, liked animals, could tolerate me singing to my animals, etc….
Send your order out in the universe and see what comes back… but yes, a moratorium to preserve yourself is a wonderful idea.
Hugs to you Tawnya! You deserve good, quality, real love.
You deserve only the best, but this list is a little strict. You should make room for alcoholics with bad credit and poor self esteem, if all other criteria is met.
The only possible concern I have about these “lists” is when they include items or qualities that the list maker doesn’t possess themselves. For example, you have children and yes, there can be drama as families mix. He’ll have to deal with your children, why would you not be willing to do the same for him? Especially, if he’s the right guy?
I don’t know anything about your financial situation but if you expect him to be Financially Stable (Great income, Low debt, Good credit, Solid retirement plan in place), then you should be as well. Otherwise you’re getting yourself into a situation where you need a man to take care of you. Do you think you’ll be able to go for those trips that he can afford, if you can’t? If so, you’ll find yourself compromising on the other things on your list. How many women give up things that are important to them because the man supports them financially?
Spend the next year making sure YOU meet the requirements on this list, and you’ll find exactly what you’re looking for because you’re absolutely right – he should bring as much to the table as you do.
Derek – I can only laugh at that.
Pat – The children line is misunderstood. I’m thinking of protecting my children and putting their interests in my dating first. So, the man I date either has no children, his children are grown or his children don’t have excessive drama (no meth users, pyromaniacs or other behavioral issues.) If he has children and they are average children with average issues, that would be different. But if I don’t have to bring certain issues in to my children’s life, why should I?
As far as the financially stable part – by the time I am ready to date, my goal is to be financially stable. I do NOT want a man to “support” me because I never want to be financially powerless again. I don’t think I have to make the same as he does, but I do think I need my ducks in a row and have my own source of income.
So glad to hear you say that! Although I used the term “you” I wasn’t meaning that these thoughts were necessarily who “you” are. Now that I understand the children perspective, it makes much more sense.
I too would look for someone finanacially stable, not because of what he can offer me, but rather because it is proof of someone who has a strong, responsible work ethic, as I do.
Have you ever considered you may actually end up earning more than he does? Don’t subconsciously limit yourself!
Pat – actually, in my first marriage and through the first 3 years of the second, I was the major breadwinner in the family. It doesn’t bother me to be so, though I wouldn’t mind if he earned more. But I’ll never let myself totally depend on a man again.
It’s a painful lesson to learn, but you never know what could happen.