There’s nothing like a good divorce to have you questioning your sanity and bringing to light every bump, scar, wound, poison, insecurity, fear, negative emotion, pimple, flaw or twisted perspective one could have. It’s like laying on the ground after a near-fatal collision and attempting to stand up and walk away then wondering why in the hell does it hurt so bad, where is all the blood coming from and why the &*#@ is it so hard to crawl, much less walk. And then beating yourself up for not being complete and whole. In other words, it makes no friggin’ sense.

I’ve been doing that all weekend. I’m a massive vortex of every imaginable emotion possible. I’m up and down and in and out, sideways and forward and back again. I want security and assurance that life will be ok and I don’t seem to be able to find that from anyone but way down deep inside myself. It’s this tiny little voice I can barely hear. Like a faint echo, I can barely hear it but I sense it. 

I’ve tried to seek out that assurance, but as life would have it, friends have been unable to give me what I need when I need it most. And it’s another big lesson that the strength I have is there. I just need to be still enough to find it. I’ve had to take quite a few deep breaths this weekend and chase away the voices of yesterday’s pain and guilt and heartache. Those voices that say ‘You aren’t loveable. When people know how really messed up you are, they will desert you. They will go on to other friends who have less trouble and are in better shape than you.’  It’s a feeling that makes me want to push everyone away and crawl in a hole to recover and rest and be alone so I don’t have anyone accidently bumping my wounds or reminding me how bad I hurt or what I went through. In other words, somewhere there’s a voice telling me to get the heck outta dodge and run like the devil- but i have no place to run to.

I wish the process of growth was easier. I wish I could snap my fingers and recover instantly from the trauma. But life doesn’t work that way. I wish the nervous knot in the pit of my stomach would vanish. I wish I could get what I want from people the way I want it. But people rarely act the way you want them to. 

It’s a strange thing – but the only one I can control is myself. What I need, I have to give myself. If people disappoint me, they disappoint me. If they hurt me, they hurt me. I can’t stop those things. So, lesson #20983 of life for me is – breathe deep, be still and trust in my own ability to give me what I need.

Welcome back!