Hard Times

Many of you (many as in, I can dream that there are many of you) might wonder why I am not writing much. Over the past week since getting back online, I have found out my mom has stage 3 breast cancer. She has had a lumpectomy. The doctor was able to remove the whole tumor and soon she will start chemo because apparently it is a very agressive cancer and the doctor wants to make sure it does not come back.

Also, my mom has pancreatitis caused by years of strong medicine for her various chronic illnesses. Last year she had two surgeries and spent 62 days in the hospital. After Christmas, her pancreatitis flared up. Because my seven year old had just come to visit, she was determined NOT to go to the hospital while he was at her house. So, she took lots of meds and then went to the hospital after he left. And after she had the tumor removed.

It appears she has an incredible, rip-roaring infection in her pancreas. They had to remove a lot of infected tissue. The doctor told my gramma that the infection had gone clear up to her skin. I got a call last night that the surgery took longer than expected because the infection was worse than they thought. And that she is in critical care at the hospital. And that she was on a ventilator. I cried most of the night.

I have a headache. I’m still in my pjs. I’m doing the bare minimum just so I don’t completely fall apart. I did get a call that she is now alert and doing well enough to get off the ventilator. I’m relieved but worn out from last night.

It sucks that I can’t be there. My mom is not just my mom. She is my best friend. When I am scared, I call her. When I have a medical question, I call her (she worked in surgery for more than 20 years). When I need to speak to someone, anyone – I call her. When I buy milk, I call her. (Well maybe not then, but practically.)

We had a rough time when I was growing up. We didn’t always get along. It was really, really bad. But now that I’m an adult, we are extremely close. I can not imagine being in a world without my mom. I can’t stand the thought of my mom being in the pain she is in.  It tears me apart that I am so far away. That I can’t just jump on a plane and see her. That I have responsibilities here to my 3 sons, one of which is in school, and I can’t just uproot them and go to her. I can only pray and hang on and wait for a phonecall to tell me any news I can get.

So, I don’t feel like blogging much. I dont’ feel like tweeting much. I don’t feel like doing anything much. 

I’m scared. I’m not ready for my world to change this way. If you pray, please pray for her. If you don’t pray, please send positive, loving, healing thoughts for her.