Last year when I gave myself goals, I was coming from a place of things to do, what I need to accomplish. Not that this is evil or wrong, but this year as I look forward, I am not creating a list from the same place. I’ve grown. I’ve matured in ways I never even considered last year. I’ve let go of this image of myself, this need for perfection and am walking in a place of love and compassion for myself and others.
Last year, I set a definite time frame for my ‘relationship status’. Not that I stated I would only be single for one year, but that I would purposefully NOT be in a relationship for at least one year. This year, I’m letting go of this. This does not mean I will now start looking for ‘the one’. Quite the opposite. It simply means I’ve let go of the thought it takes another person to make me happy and I’ve now become comfortable in my own presence. I am open to life bringing me someone or not bringing me someone. I am releasing the pressure to be ‘a couple’ and am enjoying the belief that on a higher level I am connected and a part of all living things. I also sense, at this point, the most wonderful relationships, whether romantic or friendship, are the kind that aren’t forced or chased after but develop and bloom as naturally as a flower takes root. And once the root takes hold, it will be my pleasure and joy to water and tend and care for the tender plant of communion with another person. Read More »
Welcome back!
It’s been a year. One year since deciding to stay single and away from a relationship. One year of giving myself more importance in my list of priorities. One year to learn it’s ok to be alone. One year.
I was looking back through posts in my blog from a year ago to see how I had changed and if I had managed to keep at least most of my promises to myself. I found this post from July 13th, which I had forgotten I’d even written. Looking over the post, I realized while I hadn’t acomplished everything on the list, I actually did most of it and even a few things I never even contemplated or thought I’d accomplish. Read More »
I started this blog several years ago as an outlet – a creative, emotional outlet. It’s underlying theme and focus has been to seek balance in my life and to explore where I’m unbalanced and how to correct it.
Along the way, I’ve grown. The pressing urge to become perfect has fallen away. In it’s place is a compassion for myself and an awareness that perfection is not the goal, but continual improvement. When I am aware of being caught up in negativity, I’m pleased because the awareness signals to me I’m improving and am not trapped and held powerless by my thoughts. Life has become a practice – practice in being gracious, in being present in the moment and not trapped by the past or caught up in the future.
It frees me from being hurt by others because I realize others’ actions might affect circumstances but only I have the power to let it affect my soul. I can choose to be grateful for any lessons learned. I can choose to be still and understanding. I can choose to love or I can choose to be bitter, resentful and hate-filled. It is my choice. Knowing this is liberating. Sometimes I have to actively remind myself I have the choice, but the choice is and always has been mine.
So in search of balance, I’ve let go of the pressing goal for balance. Ironically, it’s in letting go that balance comes.
I started guitar lessons this week. There’s several reasons for doing this. One, I’ve always wanted to learn. Simple as that.
Two, I don’t have a piano and want a musical outlet. Art, music, reading, writing – all these things nurture the soul. It’s important regardless of what’s going on in one’s life to nurture the essence of the being. The arts expand oneself. It’s not frivolous. It’s not expendable. Reaching in, reaching deep, discovering and letting go of emotion through painting or writing or singing a song is part of the human experience. It’s healing, it’s soothing. And now especially, I need soothing.
And third, I need the experience of getting completely frustrated with something. I want to be challenged. To encounter a controlled situation and have to push myself to achieve a goal. It’s how we grow. And, learning how to push, to persevere, to master a skill is a skill in itself I can apply to any other area in my life.
As I struggle to build strength and flexibility in my fingers, to adapt to wrapping my hand around the guitar and press the right strings, I get frustrated. I could quit if I wanted. I could sit the guitar down and think about how bad I suck at guitar playing. Or, I could breathe deep and realize I will never play a simple song if I don’t get these little skills down. That a little bit every day of practice brings me much closer to my goal. I can also choose to continue on and envision what I will feel like when I can play. And how proud I will be.
I can choose to continue on and not let frustration get me. And let that choice spill into every other area of my life.
Coming back to my blog feels a bit like blowing the dust off a favorite but long untouched book. My life has been hectic. I feel like I say that so much it would be the major sentence in any word cloud taken from my blog and social media scene. Hectic. Is this the word to describe it all? Read More »
I realized I’d been wanting something because of injuries I sustained in my marriage. Not the “ooh, I’m bleeding, grab a tourniquet” sort of injury but the deep, feel it in your psyche for years, hidden from plain sight kind. And don’t ask what it was I wanted because I won’t tell you. But like a sharp, searing slap in the face, it dawned on me tonight. Somewhere deep inside, I still feel the pain. Read More »
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